Last week I got a letter where I work. It was a normal looking letter, nothing suspicious. Except. It had my maiden name on it which was weird but I still sometimes get junk mail like that. I opened it and read it. I was horrified. It was from a prior abuser who claims he’s dying and wants me to forgive him so he can go to heaven. I’m at work, what do I do? Where can I hide? I want this to go away immediately. I crumple it up and throw it away. It means nothing to me I tell myself, it’s a joke right? Right?

Let me explain.

I was abused by my elementary school music teacher. My first memories are around age 7. Anyway, this man abused me severely and I was terrified of him. He’s dead and I’m still afraid of him. The abuse when on until I was 10 and then it suddenly stopped. I had all sorts of feelings about that but that’s for another post. Anyway, I started to see him again and he would take me from school and bring me to a place. I don’t remember how I got there or where it is but I went there about a dozen times with 12 different men that I remember. I now know I was part of a pedophile ring. There are pictures of me posted on child porn sites that will never come down.

Anyway, one of the men had sex with me and with the music teacher. In the letter sent, that event was mentioned as well as an time when it was just him and I. I don’t remember the second time he mentioned. It really bothers me that I don’t remember. How he could so casually write it down in black and white and my mind is blank. A man who took a 10 year old and did one of the most intimate thing 2 people can do to each other and I can’t remember.

I think it’s an easy thing for these men to do. Just so casually violate me as a child and now as an adult at my workplace which is supposed to be safe. I don’t know what to do with this letter. I eventually took it out of the garbage and made a copy to bring to my therapist. I shoved the letter in the back of my desk hoping it would magically disappear. My therapist said it’s my decision but absolutely thinks I should bring it to the police. My husband thinks we should bring it to the police. His therapist thinks I should bring it to the police.

But it’s not that easy.

I think most people with trauma will understand the terror and confusion I’m feeling. I have no desire to start an investigation at this point in my life. In all honesty, I’m barely surviving. I think about death a lot and am fragile. I don’t think I could handle having to tell my story to the police. If it’s true what this man wrote, that he’s sick and dying, what difference would it make? I don’t think there would be enough justice in this world to make me feel better. And the process just feels like it would be devastating. What if they don’t believe me? What if they think it’s my fault? But I feel the pressure of the people I rely on to be my support to ‘do the right thing’. How can they tell me what the right thing is? I don’t know what it is and I lived through the trauma.

I should think about this but I am tired. My brain hurts. I am tired of having to be strong. I feel like a coward for not wanting to turn in this letter but I don’t. I just don’t. I have no illusions that either choice is easy. No matter which way I go, it’s going to hurt like hell.

https://themighty.com/2016/03/22-ways-to-support-someone-with-ptsd-from-people-who-have-it/

I had a therapy session today and my therapist asked me what did trauma mean to me. I thought about it and decided that trauma is like a toddler, a cranky, raging, screaming toddler who throws themselves down on the ground throwing a fit. That’s what trauma feels like inside of myself. Uncontrollable, overwhelmed, angry. Then, just like a toddler, as soon as you think you’ve figured out how to handle your toddler trauma, it grows and changes leaving you baffled and behind the eight ball once again. It’s fluid. It’s a nightmare.

How does parenting fit into this? Imagine trying to raise children into kind, productive adults when you can barely keep your own trauma  in check. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I don’t understand boundaries very well. I watch others carefully to see what they do and copy them. That’s how I have survived for most of my life. I have children and they terrify me sometimes. I don’t know if I’ll react correctly or be able to respond to their emotional needs. When they were young and needed me to bathe them or dress them or change their diapers, I was always panicky and afraid I was doing something wrong. That anxiety became constant and led to numbness. Eventually the numbness went away but now, they are older and still I find myself being overwhelmed and disconnected. Their problems are more complex and I find myself out of my depth.

Trauma puts an extra layer of difficulty on parenting. It distorts your view so you’re never really sure if what you’re doing is right or wrong. It puts a glass wall between me and my children. They are beautiful and I’m so glad they’re mine but I feel badly that they don’t have a better mother.

 

A few links:

https://themighty.com/2017/11/parenting-with-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/

https://themighty.com/2017/04/childhood-abuse-survivors-becoming-parents-what-to-know-about-ptsd/

www.drugrehab.com/co-occurring-disorder/ptsd/
www.drugrehab.com/recovery/relapse/

https://greatist.com/live/sexual-assault-survivor-resources

https://themighty.com/2017/08/life-impacting-symptoms-of-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dissociation-c-ptsd-role-of-detachment-in-complex-trauma-1106174

 

” … with all that you’ve been through you deserve from sleep.” rh. sin

I can’t sleep. In fact I haven’t had a good night sleep since I was 14. I go to bed, I try to relax and my eyes pop open. Awake. My constant state of being. I would give anything to have a good night sleep with no racing thought and no nightmares.

People say ‘cut down on your caffeine.’ Done

People say ‘make your room a peaceful santuary’ Done

People say ‘practice good sleep hygiene. Have a routine.’ Done

People say ‘take this medication.’ Done. As in, I have literally tried every med available for sleep

People say ‘meditate, deep breath, do muscle relaxation, try taping, try nightmare rescripting, try this and this and this. DONE.

I couldn’t complete a sleep study because I don’t sleep

Before I sleep my thoughts race. I have intrusive thought of my trauma. My inner critic really revs up and starts saying how stupid I am and why did I say/do that? and if I had been better and smarter, I wouldn’t have been abused. When I do sleep, I have nightmares. Severe nightmares where I wake up sweating and shaking. sometimes I throw up. When I wake up, I wander my house looking in on my kids and my husband and am jealous of how peacefully they sleep. It’s dark out and there’s no one to talk to. It’s the essence of loneliness.

But ….

I still can’t sleep. Even thought I take my medicine and go to therapy and process my trauma with a therapist it should be ok. Right? Isn’t that what we’re told. Do the work and you’ll feel better. The jury’s still out on that for me.

So, if you’re like me and every time the night is at its darkest and you’re up wandering around thinking you’d give anything to go back to sleep and you feel like you’re the only person on the Earth, know you’re not alone. Know that I’m there with you.

So here is my first post. I’ve thought for a long time about starting a blog and always hesitated. Why? Because as most of you will be able to understand, staying quiet and keeping secrets is at the heart of abuse. Yes, I am a victim or survivor of long term sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse. I wanted to take a minute to introduce myself and tell a little about what I hope to do with this blog.

I am a wife and mother of 3 kids. I did ok with my life, had a career and had never needed psychiatric care until 2 years ago when repressed memories of abuse surfaced. Since that time I have struggled to be a good mom, wife, and work. My symptoms come and go but mostly stay. I have a therapist and take a boatload of meds to function.

With this site I hope to share stories of what I went through as a child so you don’t feel alone and discuss the issues I think most people with PTSD/cPTSD struggle with which is having a good relationship, being a good parent, connecting to others, and manage symptoms. I hope to put up resources that you can use as needed. I hope you find this blog helpful and informative. I am new to this and will most definitely make mistakes. I appreciate feedback but please remember I suffer from a serious mental illness and be kind.

Please be aware that there may be some content that may be triggering so read cautiously. We’re all in a different place in recovery and healing so be kind to yourself. We’re all in this together.