I can’t sleep

” … with all that you’ve been through you deserve from sleep.” rh. sin

I can’t sleep. In fact I haven’t had a good night sleep since I was 14. I go to bed, I try to relax and my eyes pop open. Awake. My constant state of being. I would give anything to have a good night sleep with no racing thought and no nightmares.

People say ‘cut down on your caffeine.’ Done

People say ‘make your room a peaceful santuary’ Done

People say ‘practice good sleep hygiene. Have a routine.’ Done

People say ‘take this medication.’ Done. As in, I have literally tried every med available for sleep

People say ‘meditate, deep breath, do muscle relaxation, try taping, try nightmare rescripting, try this and this and this. DONE.

I couldn’t complete a sleep study because I don’t sleep

Before I sleep my thoughts race. I have intrusive thought of my trauma. My inner critic really revs up and starts saying how stupid I am and why did I say/do that? and if I had been better and smarter, I wouldn’t have been abused. When I do sleep, I have nightmares. Severe nightmares where I wake up sweating and shaking. sometimes I throw up. When I wake up, I wander my house looking in on my kids and my husband and am jealous of how peacefully they sleep. It’s dark out and there’s no one to talk to. It’s the essence of loneliness.

But ….

I still can’t sleep. Even thought I take my medicine and go to therapy and process my trauma with a therapist it should be ok. Right? Isn’t that what we’re told. Do the work and you’ll feel better. The jury’s still out on that for me.

So, if you’re like me and every time the night is at its darkest and you’re up wandering around thinking you’d give anything to go back to sleep and you feel like you’re the only person on the Earth, know you’re not alone. Know that I’m there with you.