I can’t sleep

” … with all that you’ve been through you deserve from sleep.” rh. sin

I can’t sleep. In fact I haven’t had a good night sleep since I was 14. I go to bed, I try to relax and my eyes pop open. Awake. My constant state of being. I would give anything to have a good night sleep with no racing thought and no nightmares.

People say ‘cut down on your caffeine.’ Done

People say ‘make your room a peaceful santuary’ Done

People say ‘practice good sleep hygiene. Have a routine.’ Done

People say ‘take this medication.’ Done. As in, I have literally tried every med available for sleep

People say ‘meditate, deep breath, do muscle relaxation, try taping, try nightmare rescripting, try this and this and this. DONE.

I couldn’t complete a sleep study because I don’t sleep

Before I sleep my thoughts race. I have intrusive thought of my trauma. My inner critic really revs up and starts saying how stupid I am and why did I say/do that? and if I had been better and smarter, I wouldn’t have been abused. When I do sleep, I have nightmares. Severe nightmares where I wake up sweating and shaking. sometimes I throw up. When I wake up, I wander my house looking in on my kids and my husband and am jealous of how peacefully they sleep. It’s dark out and there’s no one to talk to. It’s the essence of loneliness.

Trigger warning *****************************************************************

when I was 14 I went to a party with my friend. There were people of different ages there, some were college students. I was given a rum and coke by an older boy. he seemed nice and sweet. I got seperated from my friend and this young man brought me to a room. There was another young man in the room and he was not nice. They gang raped me all night long. Toward the end a 3rd man came in. At the end, the stole my ID and $20 from my purse.  A few days later my friends mom brought me to Planned Parenthood and I needed medical treatment. It was a horrible experience. I stopped sleeping. I had nightmares. I was scared. I pushed it down more and more and more until I forgot.

But ….

I still can’t sleep. Even thought I remember and processed this with a therapist and should be ok. Right? Isn’t that what we’re told. Do the work and you’ll feel better. The jury’s still out on that for me.

So, if you’re like me and every time the night is at its darkest and you’re up wandering around thinking you’d give anything to go back to sleep and you feel like you’re the only person on the Earth, know you’re not alone. Know that I’m there with you.

3 thoughts on “I can’t sleep

  1. I’m on day 3 no sleep today. Haha..I don’t even know how I manage it. 6 months ago my husband died suddenly and in my arms…but it gets better…that trauma triggered locked away traumas of childhood abuse that I had poorly been managing and now…here I am day 3. So alone …until now. 🙂

    Like

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